2028. EBB to Mary Russell Mitford
As published in The Brownings’ Correspondence, 11, 72–74.
[London]
[13 September 1845] [1]
Ever dearest Miss Mitford if I have not written the details you desire to know, instantly, it has been because really I am scarcely in possession of them yet, it being undecided between this next week & the week after, on which day I am likely to sail. I will tell you however what I can .. & if it is not much, blame the stars who are shining so doubtfully just now ‘tra si e no’! [2]
For the last two or three years I have been so much better & stronger in the summer & thrown back so hardly in the winter, that the wisdom & necessity of getting nearer the sun if I ever meant to live again, in the sense of ordinary life, was quite obvious to me. Last autumn when my brothers went to Ægypt, I was on the verge of desiring to go with them– But in this present summer, better & fitter for travelling than I ever found myself, & exhorted besides by my aunt Hedley who saw with her eyes how the change came with the sun, & how, from a feeble colourless invalid, I strengthened & brightened as the season advanced .. she, seeing it day by day!, .. I took the courage necessary for contemplating a winter passed in the south somewhere—& Malta, I thought of first. Well, then, Papa wished me to see Chambers & have his advice—& I sent for him, & was examined with that dreadful stethoscope, & received his command to go without fail to Pisa by sea. He said that it was the obvious thing to do—& that he not merely advised but enjoined it—that there was nothing for me but warm air .. no other possible remedy. He thought me comparatively well in certain respects—& that the malady on the lung was very slight & likely to be without results if the right precautions were taken—although I should be careful, as relapse was too possible. The weakness, he said, came from the action of the cold on the muscular system covering the lungs, & on the vascular system of the lungs, which were both very weak & sensitive to changes of temperature—and he also observed that the general nervous system was shattered & impaired. You see there is nothing for me in England during the winter, but to be shut up as I have been:—& the cold kills me & the seclusion exhausts me .. & there is no possible alternative here. Also, the cold cannot be shut out so effectually as not to operate injuriously,—for, said Dr Chambers, ‘You are not to think this, merely nervous weakness—though you are very nervous! it is in great part from the muscles covering the lungs being affected by the cold air .. & nothing but warm air is a remedy to it!’ He left me in great spirits about myself & about what Pisa is to do for me—& I have since heard nothing but good of the place & climate. The sea is to do good too, I understand .. & I am not fearing it in any way. At the same time I am in very doubtful spirits—very agitated & full of sad thoughts .. from many causes on which I cannot enter now. You shall hear from me my ever dearest Miss Mitford, before I leave England——& over the Alps, my letters shall fly by as many a drove as shall be reasonable on considerations of postage. Dr Chambers named May as the earliest time on which he cd allow me to think of leaving Pisa—& in the meantime, all who have any kind regret to lose me, must consider that they lose only the sight of my bodily weakness & exhaustion .. the sight of me stretched out on that sofa .. & what is that worth, to the kindest? Whereas during my absence I shall be perhaps out of doors every day in an Italian sun .. every day that it does not rain .. & able to think of my friends with gladder if not with fonder thoughts. So do not regret me my very dear kind friend—do not. And (but for the parting & my nervousness now,) I should have liked you to have seen me once so as to be able to think of me ‘after my own likeness’ [3] a little, & not as you have been used to see me lately. Mr Kenyon has just been persuading me that he never saw me looking so well in his life before!——which if not precisely true, means at least that I am looking much better & more like what I used to be, .. though still tottering & trembling about the room, & growing white with an exertion. And I cannot take the usual means of growing strong, you see—& Chambers persists in desiring that I shd live chiefly on milk & vegetables, & eschew the “strong meats & drinks” [4] of the strong .. which proves that he has some fear of me in the face of his hopes.
I will write dear Mr Kenyon’s address on the flyleaf of my letter [5] —but he is in town only for a day, & you are not likely to find him immediately. This is his time for ‘flitting’ you know! His goodness & kindness to me have been inexpressible as they are past speaking of,—I cannot try to speak of them .. in reference to this Pisa-business. I can only be grateful all the days of my life [6] to him—be the life shorter or longer!–
And now, no more– Only you shall hear again. Oh no, no,—your affection for me should not draw you into such a toil .. even if it were possible for you to go to Italy, which I know it is not. Besides I shall be ‘back again in a moment’ you know. Ah—but to write lightly when my spirits are as they are .. you do not guess how! May God bless you–
Your EBB.
It is all uncertain about my companions. I hope for too many brothers & sisters perhaps & it is all unsettled. You shall hear.
Publication: EBB-MRM, III 139–141.
Manuscript: Wellesley College.
1. Dated by EBB’s remark that Kenyon was “in town only for a day.” She had mentioned in the preceding letter that he would be in town on Friday, the 12th, and would probably visit her on Saturday, the 13th.
2. “Between yes and no!”
3. Cf. Genesis 1:26.
4. Cf. Hebrews 5:12.
5. No such notation is extant. EBB included Kenyon’s address in her next letter to Miss Mitford (letter 2039).
6. Psalm 23:6.
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