2075. EBB to Hugh Stuart Boyd
As published in The Brownings’ Correspondence, 11, 141–142.
[London]
[Postmark: 27 October 1845]
My very dear friend,
It is so long since I wrote, that I must write,—I must ruffle your thoughts with a little breath from my side! Listen to me, my dear friend. That I have not written, has scarcely been my fault, .. but my misfortune rather, .. for I have been quite unstrung & overcome by agitation & anxiety, .. and thought that I should be able to tell you at last of being calmer & happier,—but it was all in vain. I do not leave England, my dear friend. It is decided that I remain on in my prison. It was my full intention to go– I considered it to be a clear duty, and I made up my mind to perform it, let the circumstances be ever so painfully like obstacles: but when the moment came, it appeared impossible for me to set out alone, and also impossible to take my brother & sister with me without involving them in difficulties & displeasure. Now what I could risk for myself, I could not risk for others—and the very kindness with which they desired me not to think of them, only made me think of them more, as was natural and just. So Italy is given up—& I fall back into the hands of God who is merciful, trusting Him with the time that shall be.
Arabel would have gone to tell you all this a fortnight since, but one of my brothers has been ill with fever which was not exactly typhus, but of the typhoid character, and we knew that you would rather not see her under the circumstances. He is very much better—(it is Octavius)—& has been out of bed today & yesterday.
Do not reproach me either for not writing or for not going, my very dear friend. I have been too heavy-hearted for words: & as to the deeds, you would not have wished me to lead others into difficulties, the extent & result of which, no one could calculate. It would not have been just of me.
And you—? how are you .. & what are you doing?
May God bless you my dear dear friend!
Ever yours I am
affectionately & gratefully
EBB–
Address: H S Boyd Esqre / 24 (a) Grove End Road / St John’s Wood.
Publication: LEBB, I, 270–271.
Manuscript: Wellesley College.
___________________
