2462. RB to EBB
As published in The Brownings’ Correspondence, 13, 118–119.
[London]
Sunday. [5 July 1846] [1]
You will have known by my two or three words, that I received your letter in time to set out for Mrs J’s—she said to me, directly and naturally, “you have missed a great pleasure”—and then, accounted for your absence. Do not be sorry, Ba, at my gladness .. for I was, I hope, glad .. yes, I am sure, glad that you ran no risk,—if you will not think of that, think of my risk if you had “fainted” .. should I have kept the secret, do you suppose? Oh, dearest of all dreamt of dearness,—incur no unnecessary danger now, at .. shall I dare trust,—the end of the adventure! I cannot fear for any mischances that may follow, once let my arms be round you .. I mean, the blow seems then to fall on both alike .. now, what dismal, obscure months might be prolonged between us, before we meet next, by a caprice where the power is! When have I been so long without the blessing of your sight! Yet how considerately you have written, what amends you make, all that the case admits of! If I were less sure of my own mind, and what it knows for best, I might understand the French lover’s fancy of being separated from his mistress that he might be written to and write .. but the very best, I know, and have ever in sight, and constantly shall strive after .. to see you face to face, to live so and to die so which I say, because it ends all, all that can be ended .. and yet seems in itself, so encountered, .. no death, no end.
After all, I may see you to-morrow, may I not? There is no more than a danger, an apprehension, that we may lose tomorrow also, is there? You cannot tell me after this is read .. I shall know before! If I receive no letter, mind, I go to you .. so that if the Post is in fault after its custom, and your note arrives at 3 o-clock, you will know why I seem to disobey it and call .. and I shall understand why you are not to be seen: but I will hope–
When you say these exquisitely dear and tender things, you know, Ba, it is as if the sweet hand were on my mouth. I cannot speak .. I try to seem as if I heard not, for all the joy of hearing .. you give me a jewel and I cannot repeat “yes, you do give me a jewel” .. I am not worthy of any gift, you must know, Ba,—never say you do not—but what you press on me, let me feel, and half-see, and in the end, carry away, but do not think I can, in set words, take them—at most, they are, and shall be, half-gift, half-loan for adornment’s sake,—mine to wear, yours to take back again. Even this, all this ungracefulness is proper, appropriate in its way. I am penetrated with shame thinking on what you say, and what my utmost devotion will deserve .. so infinitely less will it deserve! You are my very, very angel.–
Mrs Jameson showed me the lines you had sent her, Horne’s very beautiful poem,—very earnest, very solemn and pathetic,—worthy of Horne and the subject—and you will do well to reward him as you propose: I think I will also write two or three lines,—telling him that you called my attention to the poem,—so that he may understand the new friend does not drive out the old, as the old proverb says– I will wait a day or two and write. And you are herein, too, a dear good Ba,—to write me out the verses in the charactery I love best of all! I may keep them, I hope.
The weather is hot as ever: Ba, remember how I believe in you .. is the indisposition “nothing to signify”?—and remember the confidences I make you of every slightest headache or what looks like it: tell me frankly as Ba should, and will if she loves me! I am very well .. and my mother much better. I observe, while I write, the clouds gather propitiously for coolness if not rain—may all be as is best for you—“and for me”? Then kiss me, really, thro’ the distance, and love me, my sweetest Ba! I am your own
RB
Address: Miss Barrett, / 50. Wimpole Street.
Postmark: 10FN10 JY6 1846 A.
Docket, in EBB’s hand: 223 [altered from “222”].
Publication: RB-EBB, pp. 844–846.
Manuscript: Wellesley College.
1. Date provided by postmark.
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