493. EBB to Julia Martin
As published in The Brownings’ Correspondence, 3, 115–118.
Sidmouth–
Friday [Postmark: 19 December 1834]
My dearest Mrs Martin,
If you can forgive me, do try to do it. If not, I must try to comfort myself with that very questionable kind of comfort sometimes recommended to sufferers by their sympathizing friends—that it is no more than I deserve. Yet I must be forgiven if I can. So do try to do it. And believe what may appear incredible, how much your last letter was appreciated, that it was read oftener than once & thought of far oftener still: altho’ months & months have gone away since it was read the first time. It would have been answered immediately, had not Henrietta insisted on her right of writing to you; & this right being insisted on again & again by her when I was about to do what I am at last doing, I began to feel that the time of answering your letter was over—and then came my putting off inclinations—as I had waited so long I might as well wait longer!—— Well!—dearest Mrs Martin! if you will but believe that I love you & gratefully think of you, & if you will but say very soon that you quite forgive me—I never will behave so again!——
We have lately had deep anxiety with regard to our dear Papa. He left us two months ago to do his London business; and a few weeks since we were told by a letter from him that he was ill,—he giving us to understand that his complaint was of a rheumatic character. By the next coach, we were so daring (I can scarcely understand how we managed it) as to send Henry to him: thinking that it would be better to be scolded than to suffer him to be alone & in suffering at a London Hotel. We were not scolded; but my prayer to be permitted to follow Henry was condemned to silence; & what was said being said emphatically, I was obliged to submit, & to be thankful for the unsatisfactory accounts which for many days afterwards we received. Dear Papa removed to lodgings from the hotel, & our kind & dear friend Miss Trepsack passes every day with him,—so that he needs no comfort & no nursing. And we have had an assurance from him, that the complaint has altogether left him, & that only debility & lowness prevent him from returning to us. But, dearest Mrs Martin, this relief came with the information, of the complaint having been of a most alarming character. It was water on the lungs. And oh! what security have we—looking to human probabilities—that he will not be subject to a return of it? I cannot help being anxious & fearful. You know he is all left to us—& that without him, we should indeed be orphans & desolate. Therefore you may well know what feelings those are with which we look back upon his danger,—& forwards to any threatening of a return of it. Yet I may not be right in looking forwards so,—altho’ my idea of complaints produced by an accumulation of water has always been that they are particularly subject to a revival. It may not be so. Do not, when you write, allude to my fearing about it. Our only feeling now should certainly be a deep feeling of thankfulness towards that God of all consolation who has permitted us to know His love in the midst of many griefs,—& who while He has often cast upon us the sorrow & the shadow, has yet enabled us to recognize it as that “shadow of the wings of the Almighty,” wherein we may “rejoice”. [1] We shall probably see our dear Papa next week. At least we know that he is only waiting for strength & that he is already able to go out—I fear, not to walk out. Here, we are all well. Belle Vue is sold, & we shall probably have to leave it in March; but I do not think that we shall do so before. Henrietta is still very anxious to leave Sidmouth altogether,—& I still feel that I shall very much grieve to leave it: so that it is happy for us that neither is the decider on this point. I have often thought that it is happier not to do what one pleases, and perhaps you will agree with me––if you dont please at the present moment to do something very particular. And do tell me, dear Mrs Martin, what you are pleasing to do, & what you are doing,—for it seems to me, and indeed is, a long time since I heard of you & Mr Martin in detail. Miss Maria Commeline sent a note to Henrietta a fortnight ago; and in it, was honorable mention of you—but I wont interfere with the sublimities of your imagination, by telling you what it was. From what she says of Lord Somers, I should apprehend something which she did not say. How is Lady Margaret? For the “bride” I do not feel a very deep sympathy; [2] but dear Lady Margaret must be suffering deep sorrow, if I am right in my fear. Do tell me of her—& whether you ever or often see her. —And do you often see the Heywoods, & like him better? They are associated with Hope End; and as scenes are made interesting by an association with persons, so is there a reverse, tho’ of fainter colours. I should like to hear something of Hope End: whether there are many alterations, & whether the new lodge of which I heard, is built. Even now, the thought stands before me sometimes like an object in a dream, that I shall see no more those hills & trees which seemed to me once almost like portions of my existence. This is not meant for murmuring. I have had much happiness at Sidmouth, tho’ with a character of its own. Henrietta & Arabel & I are the only guardians just now of the three youngest boys the only ones at home; and I assure you, we have not too little to do. They are no longer little boys. There is an anxiety among us just now to have letters from Jamaica—from my dear dear Bro—but the packet is only “expected”. The last accounts were comforting ones; and I am living on the hope of seeing him back again in the spring. Stormie & Georgie are doing well at Glasgow. So Dr Wardlaw says.
And this reminds me of reminding you in confidence that I owe a reproach to you dearest Mrs Martin, for interposing your advice, & taking or sending Reynolds Peyton away from the instruction of a valued friend of mine! [3] When shall I pay it? My suspicion is from what Mrs Peyton said to me, that your opinion winged with your letters of introduction, bore Reynolds at least half way to Rome!! Now, how will you make me amends?– Cant you find another pupil to come here instead of Reynolds? The terms are £100 a year: and the advantages the most uncommon ones. Give me an opportunity of recounting to you what they are—intellectually & morally,—& use your influence wherever it can be availing. Have you read the Last days of Pompeii? [4] I am in an enthusiasm about it. We have not lately heard from dear Bell, who is, I conclude, at Rome. Mrs Hedley has added an Italian baby to her establishment. Talking of Establishments, what does Mr Martin think of the change, & the probable effect? Is annihilation (with regard to the church) to be substituted for reform? Or will the Conquering Duke be permitted to conserve the conservatives? [5] I have not room to tell you what I think,—nor if I had, would I seem to you to have any very clear & unravelled thoughts on the subject. How is Mrs Hanford? Will you give her my kind remembrances whenever you see her? Now do tell me of all that interests you, my dear Mrs Martin, & soon. Do you know I feel sometimes as if I had left you without letting you understand me– There may seem vanity in that saying—yet there is not! There is truth in another that I love you & estimate you, & am grateful to you; and that if you ever thought me cold & heart-shut towards you, the fault was one rather of my manner than my feeling. Dont [6] think me so now—not even for this silence’s sake. Our kind regards to Mr Martin: Is he quite well, and quite Mr Martin, still!! Henrietta’s particular love to you; & do believe me always
Your affectionate
E B Barrett.
Henrietta asks “What is the address of the Biddulphs, in London?”
You have of course heard of poor Mrs Boyd’s death. Mr Boyd & his daughter are both in London, & likely, I think, to remain there.
Address, on integral page: Mrs Martin / Old Colwall / Ledbury / Herefordshire.
Publication: LEBB, I, 27–29 (in part).
Manuscript: Wellesley College.
1. Cf. Psalms, 63:7.
2. Taken to be a reference to Lord Somers’ widowed cousin, Jane Waddington, whom he had married in June.
3. i.e., G.B. Hunter
4. Published in 1834 by Edward Bulwer-Lytton (1803–73).
5. One of the topics under much discussion was the plight of Dissenters (Non-Conformists), who still suffered religious and civil disabilities connected with marriage, burial, attendance at university, etc. Separation of Church and State was one of the remedies proposed. The Duke of Wellington was strongly opposed to this, and had spoken against a recent parliamentary bill designed to allow Dissenters to take degrees at Oxford and Cambridge (then denied to persons not sworn members of the Established Church); he said that such a bill “would inflict a mortal wound on the union between church and state.”
6. Underscored three times.
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