Monday. Oct 10th.
Arabel is very amiable & goodtempered. She gave up the point of going, earnest as she was about it, & not sullenly—for she wrote a note which I took to Annie. I did not leave home until 20 minutes past 8, intended to be 20 minutes past 7. Went by the Wyche, & found Mrs. Boyd at the exordium of breakfast. Annie was out—calling on Miss Steers. In a few minutes, I was allowed to go up stairs. Mr. Boyd & I talked about the Bill, until he appeared disinclined for reading. “The worst of it is, it disturbs one’s mind”. However we read afterwards a passage from the orations against Julian, & the one on Paschal Sunday.
I read a passage or two to him from Rushton’s book; one in particular which I thought a satisfactory commentary on a difficult text in the 5th. of Romans “For as by one man’s disobedience &c.”[1] Mr. Boyd said to me one or two things, which gave me pain—& not for myself individually. I cannot bear to hear him say anything which even sounds anti scriptural! The tears were in my eyes today: I could not help it— There never was a truer friendship than mine for him!-- Do I not pray for his spiritual welfare! Lord Thou knowest!— And only Thou canst know whether his heart is right in thy sight!—
The opinion which he tolerated today, & gave me so much pain by tolerating, was Wesley’s opinion; & that Wesley was a spiritual Christian, no Christian can doubt. And yet, I wish he had not tolerated it!—
Altogether, today I had not quite a happy visit. My doubts on the subject of his regard for me, rose more that once into a painful certainty. Others may be more worthy of his regard in all ways but one! Not in that one!!!--
He asked me if I had heard the result of Bummy’s thoughts about going away—& if I wd. go to see him for a few days. He seemed to wish me to go. But the “seeming” might proceed from a general spirit of benevolence—inclusive of me. Oh how I hate that idea!! I submitted if it were not the best course to wait & see how matters were settled, without running the risks of displeasing Papa or acting unkindly to Bummy!—and he yielded, after observing that by delay, I ran the risk of the occurrence of circumstances which wd. prevent my ever visiting him at Malvern. He recommended to me the policy of having attention paid to Annie—lest in the case of our remaining at Hope End, she shd. make Mrs. B leave Malvern at the end of the twelve month. “I suppose—or I hope—that in that case you wd. still wish us to stay here”!—
Annie & Miss Boyd are two. From what I can understand & observe, there is some fault on both sides. One is provoking—& the other sensitive.
But I cant help blaming Annie!— As she was with me in the carriage,—for I took her in it, a little way,—I recommended a concileating manner to her! No! She wd. not conciliate!— She wd. not speak to Miss B any more!--
The carriage came at a quarter to 5. At 5 I went. Nota bene—never go the wyche road again!— I thought that I never should go the whole of it, last night! Such a hill!--
Annie is indifferent to poor Mr. Biscoe!!—
Mr. Boyd told me,—when I had told him about Arabel’s intending to visit Annie this week,—that her coming wd. be an excuse for me to pay him another visit in a day or two.!— I wish that “universal benevolence” were out of my head.— There was a letter today from Miss Gibbons to Mrs. Boyd. Her “very best love to me”—, & she wished very much “to hear from me”. Now I do not like writing to her—& I do not like being unkind. What can I do!— She leaves Mrs. Yorke’s[2] on Thursday. Then she will be at Mr. Curzon’s on Thursday. By the bye Mrs. Boyd asked me, if she was going to be baptized, & if she had called on Mr. Curzon in her way thro’ Ledbury. I answered evasively, “I believe she did not call”--
Got home in the dark. Guitaring in the evening.
1. Rom. v.19: “For as by one man’s disobedience many were made sinners; so by the obedience of one shall many be made righteous.” Rushton’s arguments on the text were developed in his Defence, (London, 1831), pp. 94 ff.
2. The Hon. Mrs. Yorke, of Newland, some 4 miles N.N.W. of Malvern Wells.
