5481. Julia Wedgwood to RB
As published in The Brownings’ Correspondence, 31, 167–169.
draft
Cumberland Place
Saturday. Nov 12th 1864 [1]
Yes, here I am, returned a few days sooner than I expected, owing to various unforeseen complications, & perhaps after all I may see you tomorrow, if good luck sends you to pay your respects to my elders.
But there has been something on my mind to say to you on that subject, & I must say it now.– You know that all that is exceptional in our intercourse is my doing, not yours, that your part has been merely one of response, & that if there was any indiscretion in taking up a position so liable to misconception, that was wholly on my side. There are those very near to me who think there was grave indiscretion in what I did, & who have put it before me in a way that whether or not it convinces my judgment, unquestionably influences my will. It is my own work I undo, not yours. You have said you leave the proprieties in my hands. I do not know, even if I saw clearly their opposition to our meeting, if they alone would be strong enough to deprive me of what I must give up, but they represent the feelings of those whose even prejudices cannot be ignored by me. I know that every word I am saying is a reflection on myself, it is no reflection on you. You have given me what I wanted, what now I want less. I have never for one moment misunderstood you. I do not now dread with you the numerous misconceptions which would seem inevitable with anybody else. I dread nothing but that you should too much regret my loss in this surrender. To be honest, the paring down our intercourse to the slender allowance of mere society cannot be to one of your age what it is to one of mine, but I know that the regret on your side will be just as much as I wish it to be. I have thought of myself, do not you think of me. You came near me in the delirium of sorrow everything in that atmosphere seemed to excuse the exceptional relation in which I placed you (remember it was I) as it passes away I see that the opinion of the world should not be defied even for what seems so much more precious, when it is mere solace to oneself. I can hardly bring myself to regret the step that appears so questionable, when I consider that it brought me that solace through the darkest passage of life, but I see as the darkness passes, I ought to do without it. I know how selfish it all sounds, you gave me leave to be selfish in our intercourse. I think that you are generous enough to let me be more selfish still, & though I undo my work & give up all those regular anticipations of seeing you that if good luck ever throws us together, you will be my friend still. As to whether I shall care less to see you — Well, I need not hedge in the ditch on that side of the road. You know about that, it is the other ditch into which I am afraid of falling, that my image shall be connected in your mind with mere annoyance & regret. Dear friend, be patient with my little railing on this side the way!
<You said once you thought me true, believe that still while I tell you that I could bear to be wiped out of your mind, & could not bear to remain there as a sore subject.
I lay down the intercourse first, & then more reluctantly any place I may have in your mind, but the thought of causing you a moments regret lies a long way behind both these efforts.> [2]
Publication: Sue Brown, “Robert Browning and Julia Wedgwood: The Unpublished Correspondence,” The Journal of Browning Studies, 3 (December 2012), pp. 44–46.
Source: Author’s draft at Armstrong Browning Library.
1. This is a draft of letter 5563.
2. The two paragraphs in angle brackets are lightly struck through. Below them Julia Wedgwood has written in a later hand: “This was what I wrote to RB (in substance) March 3rd. 1865—except the last part, after I had heard that the intercourse had created gossip.”
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