2620. EBB to Arabella Moulton-Barrett

As published in The Brownings’ Correspondence, 14, 8–12.

Hotel de la ville de Paris. Paris–

Saturday [26 September 1846] [1]

My beloved Arabel I write to you after a thousand thoughts .. (for I have not heard a breath of any of you yet) but the strongest brings me still to writing to you– I believe that you at least, you & my dearest Henrietta, would rather hear from me than not hear– So without a word more of feeling .. leaving all the grief & the doubt on one side, .. I hurry on blindly to let you hear the whole story of me, which seems to me to run in a whole circle of years rather than days, .. so strange it all is, & full of wonder.

After the Havre passage which was a miserable thing in all ways, there was nothing for it but to rest all day at Havre– We were all three of us exhausted either by the sea or the sorrow, & Wilson & I lay down for a few hours, & had coffee & what else we could take—this, till nine oclock in the evening when the diligence set out for Rouen. Four hours by the diligence, we thought,—& then to rest, till the middle of the next day when we meant to go by the Paris railroad. In the diligence we had the coupé to ourselves .. we three .. & it was as comfortable & easy as any carriage I have been in for years—now five horses, now seven .. all looking wild & loosely harnessed, .. some of them white, some brown, some black, with the manes leaping as they gallopped, & the white reins dripping down over their heads .. such a fantastic scene it was in the moonlight!—& I who was a little feverish with the fatigue & the violence done to myself, in the self controul of the last few days, began to see it all as in a vision & to doubt whether I was in or out of the body. [2] They made me lie down with my feet up– Robert was dreadfully anxious about me—& after all, he was the worst, I believe, of any of us– Arrived at Rouen,—through some mistake or necessity of form, we were allowed to remain if we pleased, but were forbidden to keep any part of our luggage. The luggage was to go by the railroad on to Paris directly– What was to be done? So I prevailed over all the fears, that we should continue our route, after a rest of twenty minutes at the Rouen Hotel .. coffee & the breaking of bread,—& you would have been startled, if in a dream you had seen me, carried in & out, as Robert in his infinite tenderness would insist on carrying me, between the lines of strange foreign faces & in the travellers’ room, .. back again to the coupè of the diligence which was placed on the railway, .. & so we rolled on towards Paris. It was a night’s travelling, & the daylight was at ten or eleven a.m. when we were deposited in the Messagerie Hotel, in a great noisy court—taking & not choosing that Hotel .. taking it for being the nearest, & meaning to remain there, for that day & the next, on account of the necessities of the passport, which the Mayor of Havre promised faithfully to let us receive in time for an early departure– For me, I was quite satisfied with our accommodations in this hotel—but they were small & not over convenient, & the light & the noise, my two enemies, poured in upon us on all sides. Still we had good coffee, & everything was clean, & everybody courteous to the top of courtesy—& while I lay resting, Robert went to speak to Mrs Jameson according to her address & the agreement of us both that her goodness to me deserved some passing look or sign, if we could give no more– She was not at home. He left a note .. “Come & see your friend & my wife EBB—” [3] .. nearly as brief as that—, & signing it RB. Never thinking of either of us she stood for some moments, she told us afterwards, in a maze .. wondering what these things could mean– In the meanwhile, it was night .. or nine in the evening at least .. & he was so thoroughly worn out with the anxiety, agitation, fatigue, & effect of the sea voyage together with that of having scarcely eaten anything for three weeks, that he quite staggered in the room, & was feverish enough to make me talk of sending for a physician, & in default of it, to entreat him to go & lie down where he could not be disturbed .. I promised to receive Mrs Jameson myself .. imagine with what terrors– She came with her hands stretched out, & eyes opened as wide as Flush’s .. “Can it be possible? is it possible? You wild, dear creature! You dear, abominable poets! Why what a ménage you will make!– You should each have married a ‘petit bout de prose’ [4] to keep you reasonable. But he is a wise man .. in choosing so .. & you are a wise woman, let the world say as it pleases!—& I shall dance for joy both in earth & in heaven, my dear friends.” All this in interrupted interjections! She was the kindest, the most cordial, the most astonished, the most out of breath with wonder!——& I could scarcely speak—looking “frightfully ill” as she has told me since. So she would not stay .. I was to rest, she said, for the first thing, .. & never to think (for the second) of travelling all night in that wild way any more—also I was to prevail on Robert to go with me to her apartment at the Hotel de la Ville de Paris, in the morning, when we could talk about Italy & the rest.

Which was done as she said. We went to her in the morning. She received us both as the most affectionate of possible friends could .. kissing Robert, embracing me .. professing to be as delighted as she was astonished, praising us for our noble imprudences which were oftener successful, she said, even in this world, than the chiefest of worldly wisdoms .. in short, nothing could be more cordial & more cheering. May God bless her for all the good she did me—& does me—for we did not leave her so. She persuaded us to remove from the Messagerie to her Hotel, induced us to take the apartment above her own in the same (this same Hotel) a cheap, yet delightful suite of small rooms, .. furnished with very sufficient elegance .. dining room, drawingroom, two bedrooms, & a room up higher for Wilson .. as quiet as in the midst of a wood, nearly, & in the best situation, or one of the best, in Paris– She persuaded us to settle here for a few days, in order to rest, both of us, & manage the passport business, & wait for herself, .. she promising to go with us to Pisa, .. travel with us, .. & help him to take care of me. You may think how grateful we are! I am! & he is, still more, perhaps .. if possible,—for it lifts from him a good half of the anxiety about moving me from one place to another, which, well as I bear it all, is felt by him too much at moments. Now he is well .. I thank God .. & I am well .. living as in a dream, .. loving & being loved better everyday .. seeing near in him, all that I seemed to see afar, … thinking with one thought, feeling with one heart, .. & just able to discern that (if it were not for what I have left behind, .. with the dreadful, dreadful looking for the letters at Orleans perhaps, ..) I should be the happiest of human beings .. happiest through him– He loves me better he says than he ever did—& we live such a quiet yet new life, it is like riding an enchanted horse. We see Mrs Jameson at certain hours, but keep to ourselves at others. We breakfast quietly, & spend the morning, .. have bread & butter at one, (& coffee) then dine with her at the Restaurants .. walking there, .. ordering our own dinner at our own table in Parisian fashion, & walking home afterwards. The distance is short, being understood .. & I do not at all dislike it. Mrs Jameson & Robert talk .. he pouring out rivers of wit & wisdom .. (it is wonderful),—& she the agreeable, cultivated, fervid & affectionate woman I but half guessed her to be. I in the meanwhile, sit silent, & enjoy or suffer, as God lets me– Oh never, never believe that I can forget you, or love you less, my dearest dearest all of you, .. my own Arabel, do not think so!– I never do, even while I feel that as far as any human choice can be wise & happy, .. made under such circumstances .. I mean, as far as I could have a right to choose at all, .. I have done well, & received full compensation for the past sorrows of my life. He is perfect—far too good & too tender for me—far too high & gifted– To hear him say that he is happy because of me, overwhelms me with a mixture of wonder & of shame.

He will carry me up stairs, & make me eat too much—our chief disputations are on such points: & for the rest, we have broken no peace, yet—we sit through the dusky evenings, watching the stars rise over the high Paris houses, & telling childish happy things, or making schemes for work & poetry to be achieved when we reach Pisa– This, if the good spirits & hopes take the pre-eminence.

And everybody cries out that I look well—the first fatigue has passed .. & the change, & the sense of the Thing Done (resuming the place of a painful resolution) & the constant love & attention of every moment .. have done me good—for they touch me, besides the pain & fear. I am quite capable of travelling .. quite. And on monday, we set out again—Mrs Jameson & Gerardine her niece, [5] Robert & I & Wilson. We go to Chartres, because a visit to the cathedral there is necessary for a book she is completing, [6] & we can only go by Diligence– Thence by railroad to Orleans—(oh my letters, how you frighten me at this distance!) & slowly onwards to Marseilles. You shall hear again. Robert has told Mrs Jameson to call me Ba .. & I am to call her Aunt Nina which is her favorite name for relation or friend. I tell you this nonsense to let you see how we are on familiar terms– She writes little notes to us, nearly every morning, sent up stairs by Gerardine for a post, beginning .. “Dear friends, how are you today, & where will you go?” You comprehend why I repeat such foolishnesses to you. She has taken us once to the Louvre .. I, trembling for fear of meeting somebody too dear! And, by the way, I have not written a word to Jane [Hedley]– Dont tell her how long I have been here, not daring to give her a sign .. although Robert & I walked up the Rue Champs Elyssées only yesterday.

The glance of the Louvre was a mere glance—the divine Raphaels .. unspeakable, those are. Mrs Jameson on one side of me, & Robert on the other, were learned equally .. & I, the ignoramus, between!– He & I have seen nothing of course, comparatively, of Paris wonders,—but we shall return here some day, & see & hear. The colouring & life everywhere are very striking, .. & the magnificence of the city, as a city, infinitely beyond London–

Mrs Jameson spoke to Lord Normanby [7] (the English ambassador) about the wrong done to us in our passport at Havre—for we have not yet received it—& he instantly said that he knew Mr Browning by reputation & would be happy to give us another which should put us to no trouble whatever. It was graciously said, & quickly done– And now the mayor & his devices are to be defied–

My dearest, dearest Arabel .. my beloved all of you .. my heart goes out to you .. I love you .. I bless you in the name of God– Forgive me that I have caused you this pain, .. oh, I beseech you– Kiss dearest Trippy for me, & say so too. My excuse is in him– If he were as another man in anything, I should have less an excuse– I wish you heard him talk of you all .. how he grieves to have offended where he would give up all (except me) to conciliate– Wishing, he was, this morning, that you or dearest Henrietta were with us here, & hoping for me, that, one day, he might have you with us, as his sister & mine– You would love him & hold me justified, if you knew him—such a pure, tender, religious spirit, .. apart from the secular attainments & the specific genius– He rises on me, higher and higher–

Now this is a long letter– Write me one I beseech you—& direct to Posta Restante, Pisa.–

May God bless you– Tell dear Minny not to follow me with too hard thoughts. No woman, beloved as I have been by such a man, could have acted much otherwise in the same circumstances– Is Stormie very angry? & George?

Dear Henrietta will understand why I do not write to her today—it shall be for another day– I love her—I love you–

I am your own attached

Do you think, Arabel, that dearest Papa will forgive me at last?——

Answer

Wilson likes everything—& we try to make her comfortable in change for her great services– Oh, that day, Arabel when I left you!——

Arabel, Henrietta, dearest ones, both of you write to me.

Publication: None traced.

Manuscript: Berg Collection.

1. The only Saturday during the Brownings’ stay in Paris fell on 26 September 1846.

2. Cf. II Corinthians 12:2.

3. Mrs. Jameson had arrived in Paris on the 18th, three days earlier than the Brownings. For her account of meeting and travelling with the Brownings on their journey to Pisa, see SD1272–74, SD1276, SD1283–1284, and SD1289–1290.

4. “A little bit of prose.”

5. Gerardine Bate (afterwards Macpherson, 1831–78), the eldest daughter of Mrs. Jameson’s sister Louisa; see letter 2388, note 6.

6. Mrs. Jameson was collecting material for a book that would be entitled Sacred and Legendary Art (1848). In a letter to Lady Byron, dated 28–29 September [1846], Mrs. Jameson wrote: “While travelling with these friends I am obliged to put all my own convenience & all selfish projects out of the question” (SD1276). They apparently did not stop in Chartres.

7. Constantine Henry Phipps, 1st Marquis of Normanby (1797–1863), had been appointed ambassador to Paris the preceding month, which post he held until 1852. From 1854 until 1858, he was minister to the Court of Tuscany in Florence.

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