2649. EBB to Septimus Moulton-Barrett
As published in The Brownings’ Correspondence, 14, 102–104.
[Pisa]
[mid-January 1847] [1]
My dearest Sette, I must thank you for the affection which still you seem to feel for me, as I find it expressed, however expressed in your letter. At the same time you must understand that I am not alone here .. which you felt indeed all the while .. let the cover of the feeling be what it may—and it is a dishonor to me to suppose that my hand can be clasped by any of you, without the hand of another. You would not desire for your sister, I am certain, that she should stand apart from her husband before the face of any one—this should not be, even if he were a criminal .. how much less when whatever degree of fault has been committed (about which, I will not contend) is more my fault than his, or at least mine equally with his?—how much less when his goodness & tenderness to me, touch me to the quick of the heart every day?– I appeal to you as from one human being to another– Can I consider that you love me while you do not stretch out your hand to him? You say that you have never said harsh words, any of you. George wrote to me precisely in the terms he wd have used; if I had left England without being married .. (committing a forgery on the road, to boot!—) Moreover, I have heard from different quarters (exclusive of my sisters, mind! for they have represented these reports to be “exaggerated”) that not merely harshnesses but “calumnies” against me & mine, have been traced up to my “brothers..”!
Alas, in the matter of these legal papers, dear Mr Kenyon’s kindness cannot prevent my being thrown upon strangers for the complement of trusteeships, which has rendered the explanation of certain circumstances to uninterested persons, a matter of bare necessity—i .. e .. rendered it necessary for him to explain them, Robert & myself having said nothing whatever. In all this, I certainly have felt wounded, & I cannot take a light tone in speaking of even a supposed failure in any of you, whom I never loved better than now when I am away from you.
For the rest, .. my dearest Sette, I have neither “the strongest nor the weakest head in England”—I have an average quantity of common sense & conscientiousness, .. and if I do not deal much in worldly-wisdom it is because I have come to the conclusion that it is the most foolish thing in the world,—& by no unreasonable process. Such as I am, nobody can properly treat me like a weak woman who falls in love (or fancies it) & breaks in the fall, any rational & conscientious consideration. My intellect & conscience as well as my heart, assented to the connection I formed … which, if it could have been formed another way, would not have been formed so. I never can regret having formed that connection .. & I certainly did not resolve to form it in a hurry & without thought. Two persons never married who knew more of one another previously, than I & my husband did, & who had fuller sympathies on every subject: no woman ever married, with a completer evidence of attachment from the man who professed to love her, than I had: no man, moreover, acted to the woman he loved, a franker & nobler part, from first to last, than Robert has done to me. Why even if I were an idiot & a child, he is not a man who would have borne to persuade anyone to an act contrary to her convictions—he is not such a man. He never did attempt to persuade me .. except of his love for me—that was all. At the very last his words to me were .. “You are free from all engagement toward me. I do not pretend to instruct you in your duty to God & your father—judge, yourself .. I will love you for ever, to whatever decision you come”. Now you tell me that you believe me to be “truthful”. Should I be so, if I withheld or distorted the truth on this subject? Can you believe me to be so, if you continue to act as if it were no truth? What he knows of my family, came simply from my representations—& if it had not been for those, there would have been no secresy from the beginning—& never was there a man to whom anything secret & underhand is more repugnant & odious than to this man. I told him that if he spoke to my father, we shd probably never meet again—that if he spoke to my brothers, the confidence wd injure their prospects without helping us. Which facts being obvious, there was one alternative to our parting at once. You blame us for adopting that course—but it was natural I think, & wronged nobody, & was the exercise of a right on my part, which few persons would deny to be a right. At any rate, the fault, such as it is, is my fault, as much as another’s—it is our fault, .. and I will not accept an exemption from hard imputations, which I am to have, alone. I appeal to you all whether it wd be worthy of me to do so, .. worthy of any woman .. or just in itself– For my part, I never anticipated certainly the view you have taken .. I believed that you wd have all been in haste with kindness, to me & mine. I supposed that Robert wd not have been blamed heavily by those who loved me, for loving me too well– What has he gained in me, but the priviledge of living the quietest of all lives side by side with me,—exchanging for that, the liberty & amusement which he had in London? If you could see how he lives with me, though we live very, very happily, you would not take it for the ‘ideal’ of a man’s life .. apart from the affection which consecrates such things. I cannot induce him, though with ever so many entreaties, even to take a ride, .. because it is a pleasure I cannot share with him– And you wd have me stand apart from him, to receive the assurance of your remembering me still?– No, that, I cannot do.
I could understand if you blamed me most, & especially on the point of being ungenerous to him in allowing him to bear the burden of my shattered health & spirits, .. & to run the risk of its being a perpetual burden. There was a great deal to say & think on this point .. & I myself said & thought it all: my conscience struggled with me on this one point. It was a point however for the exclusive consideration of himself & me, as to the practical conclusion from it: and if he preferred & determined to run certain risks, he was the master––& there were probabilities on the other hand, from the influence of a mild climate, to which I could not shut my eyes. These last have all been realized up to the present time .. & you wd be surprised perhaps, as others are, to see how much better I look & am .. how much stronger & revived in every way .. though of course it wd be imprudent of me to go out on the days when the air is cold. I am obliged to take care. The sun is so hot on our coldest days, that the women use parasols– Mr Jago, who is kind in continuing his medical directions to me, bids me beware of the treacherous sun when the air is at all sharp. Where did you hear that we had back rooms? They face, on the contrary, the best street in Pisa, with a view of the Duomo & Leaning Tower, which are both within a stone’s throw. As for society, we should like to know a few Italians, and shall get letters of introduction perhaps, when we go to Florence in April,——but for the ‘English abroad’, I am sure you never heard me say that I desired to have anything to do with them– The Irvings & Surteess have called on us .. & we have returned cards, in a significant enough way, as to our wishes of seeing them– In the first place, (& last) I cannot pay visits in the winter to any good effect. An Italian professor (Sigr Ferucci) comes to see us sometimes—but he is not an interesting person, & speaks French instead of Italian .. which we do not like. He has lived at Geneva & got into the practice of it. Robert wd get letters from Mazzini, but has been afraid for my sake, lest getting involved with the republicans, we shd fall into some scrape, & be ordered out of Italy in haste,—Mazzini’s friends being marked men, of course. But I say that I dont care .. should’nt care, in the least, .. for any scrape of that sort– Mazzini offered him letters. I wish I could think you right about Arabel & Papa——it is so unjust, if he is cold to her on my account. When I come back, will you all be kind to me & mine? Otherwise I had better stay here, I think. My love to dearest Storm. And do you, dearest Sette, continue to love me, & to believe that my wishes & prayers follow you in every step in life.
Your most affecte
Ba
Address, on integral page: S. James Barrett Esqre
Publication: None traced.
Manuscript: Gordon E. Moulton-Barrett.
1. Conjectural dating based on EBB’s references in letters 2650 and 2652 to having written this letter.
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