Correspondence

2663.  EBB & RB to Arabella & Henrietta Moulton-Barrett

As published in The Brownings’ Correspondence, 14, 154–157.

[26 March 1847] [1]

My ever dearest Henrietta .. Dont reproach me! spite of seeming sins. Though the last letter was out of turn, & unfollowed immediately by the due one, as I meant at first, .. & though when you read this you may be tempted to lay to my charge most unkind reserves, yet dont reproach me! I am not indeed so to blame– And now listen to what comes next—& remember that I write it myself & am doing as well as possible– I have been stupid beyond any stupidity of which I ever, that I know of, was thought capable, by me or others,—and the consequence has been a premature illness, a miscarriage, at four oclock last sunday morning, & of five months date, says Dr Cook, or nearly so … all the pain of it for just nothing, except this purchase of experience. Everything, I did wrong, .. & he attributes the result to the heat within & without .. sitting on the rug to bake myself if I felt the least uneasy … taking hot coffee to boil myself at other times .. choosing the worst positions possible, out of an instinct of contrariety … yes, and until the event, believing like a child or idiot that I had just “caught cold,” & nothing else was the matter– Pray laugh at me– As for me, I could cry, out of the sheerest remorse– And dont think that ever I deceived you about my state, calling myself well when I was’nt—no, indeed– Until about six weeks or seven weeks ago I was perfectly well in all respects .. & then, for a week or two or three, became subject to sudden violent pains which came on in the night, relieved by friction & a few spoonfuls of brandy, & going off as suddenly as they came. Wilson told me at last that she suspected my condition, & that if it were so, the pains were “not right” & signified the possibility of miscarriage; & she had great fears about the influence of the morphine &c. Robert of course made a fuss besides & entreated me to call in Dr Cook—— I was frightened out of my wits by the suggestion about the morphine, & out of my wit by the entreaty about Dr Cook … & being wrought upon on all sides, I pacified Robert & my own apprehensions by agreeing to appeal to Mr Jago .. just to ask him whether in such a case the morphine wd produce such another case. My letter was no sooner out of the house however than I repented sending it– You know it would seem so ridiculous, merely to imagine a case—& I had at best doubts! Oh, of course, I did doubt—I have always had such good general health that some symptoms made me doubt– But then, I thought, if when Wilson was ill, I unconsciously caught cold by going out into the passage, I might be affected so & so & so. As to Wilson, I fancied her determined to make a certain set of deductions from any sort of premises– If my finger ached, she wd say “This means that”. So I would not be convinced by her .. & when my poor dearest Robert besought me about Dr Cook, I put him off with ever so many impertinent speeches, yes, & obstinate ones—meâ culpâ!. I repent in dust & ashes. In fact, by the time the event took place I was perfectly convinced, would have died for it at the stake, that I had just caught cold! Most stupid, stupid!–

The night pains quite went away, & I had only one return after writing to Nelly Bordman. But last Friday I felt unwell & submitted to see Dr Cook. He came .. declares that he found the room at seventy, a scandalous fire, a wrong posture, & my pulse very irritable—laid me down on the sofa—commanded cold tea .. & promised to come again on sunday. Though his opinion went with the majority, the minority of one remained obstinate .. mark that. Still I did what I was told, & on saturday morning felt rather better. Towards evening however regular pains came on, every five minutes .. & these lasted for above four & twenty hours, much as in an ordinary confinement– Oh, not so very violent! I have had worse pain, I assure you– It did not continue long enough at once to exhaust one! and when my eyes were open to the truth, I was as little frightened or agitated as at this moment, & bore it all so well (I mean with so much bodily vigour) as to surprise Wilson .. & Dr Cook, too indeed–

<…> [2]

Robert was rather worse than I, I think, on sunday evening, when we had our tea together, Wilson shaking her head behind the curtain. In the first moment of his readmission into this room he threw himself down on the bed in a passion of tears, sobbing like a child, .. he who has not the eyes of a ready-weeper. He had better have scolded me well, I say, for bringing all this agitation on him—for Dr Cook pronounces that if he had been called in six weeks ago, everything would have gone as right as possible … he had only to lay me on the sofa for two months & to apply leeches to the back, keeping the temperature cool .. & he is said to be an experienced accoucheur. Well! A wilful woman who has her way, must have her punishment—or rather, let it be God’s will, if my wilfulness. As Robert says .. “we are rebellious children, & He leads us where He can best teach us”. In the meanwhile I am getting strength fast, & everything of this sort, Dr Cook tells me, is excellent for my chest … Indeed I have wondered lately where my chest had gone to, it seemed so entirely clear & right … & it puzzled me rather to think how after all I could catch cold, & feel well in the chest. Dr Cook is of opinion that I am likely to be wonderfully benefitted by what has happened– So, remember that you are to be glad upon the whole, however you may condole with me on my stupidity– For three days I kept quiet, .. & was up for an hour on the sofa on the fourth, & on the fifth, for two hours– Today this sixth day, I am to go to the sofa in the next room—& by the time you get this letter, the convalescence, should it please God, will be complete. Dr Cook does not come “for a few days” .. So you see! Robert wrote to dear Mr Kenyon on sunday night, but by my especial desire, begged him to keep the news from you until I could write it myself—& this, for the obvious probability’s sake of your being most unnecessarily alarmed otherwise. If Robert had written to you, you wd have been frightened—now would’nt you? .. Not that we ever keep from you anything– I wd have told you long ago, had I known myself. Now I must not write anymore, because I am under a vow to Robert. He laid his commands on me not to write much (or I could, I assure you!) & just at present my mood inclines to be a more obedient wife than I have been.

Will my darling Arabel write for me to dear Nelly Bordman & say that her kind letter arrived just too late, & that I shall write very soon a full account of myself. Thank her most affectionately in the meanwhile, & our kind good friend Mr Jago & say that I admire his sagacity (with the few data I gave him) as to the time—but it was farther off still .. beyond all calculation– Say too how well I am, & in excellent spirits notwithstanding disappointments. God’s will be done—&, we are happy enough here. How can I tell you what Robert has been & is to me throughout this illness—so tender, past speaking of! Which reminds me, mind him more. May God bless you! my own dearest sisters–

Your Ba.

The morphine did no harm at all–

Wilson is much better, & a great comfort of course. Love to all & Trippy– I will write again very soon. Do write–

My dearest sisters: You may depend upon the most satisfactory state of Ba, as, I make no doubt, she has described it to you in the enclosed letter. She will have told you that I wrote to Mr Kenyon on the 22d, but,—being persuaded there was no danger,—could not help seeing the force of her arguments against informing you of the matter by any other hand than her own. She is at this moment on the sofa in our sitting-room, and wonderfully well and strong—beyond all reasonable hope, indeed. It is entirely thro’ my begging & praying that you have so short a letter—but that will be remedied in a few days. I shall not try to tell you how perfectly good and patient she has been. Be sure, quite sure, that we will take every precaution. I have a very good opinion of our Physician, and we abide implicitly by his commands.

Let us congratulate each other on the safety of this dearest of creatures, and be thankful to God for his great goodness. God bless you.

RB.

Ba was delighted to receive your joint letter with Mr Boyd’s—and I shall write my own answer to my own kindest of notes that came last week[.]

Address, in EBB’s hand, on integral page: Miss Barrett / 50 Wimpole Street.

Publication: TTUL, pp. 39–46.

Manuscript: British Library.

1. Dated by the continuation in RB’s hand.

2. EBB has obliterated about one line, including an interpolation of several words.

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