2691. EBB to Fanny Dowglass
As published in The Brownings’ Correspondence, 14, 270–273.
Palazzo Guidi– near the Pitti
but direct Poste Restante .. it is safer.
August 2. [1847] [1]
I hasten to thank you my dearest kindest friend, with all my heart, for your goodness to me & mine. This must be the first word,—but the next presses in to set myself a little right with you in the matter of what may have struck you probably as most unfriendly & unaffectionate reserve & silence– Do pardon me for all things which have seemed unkind. Your name has again & again been present to my thought, though I could come & stay so long in your Italy without a word or sign .. yes, and leave England nearly at the same time with you & not say distinctly that I was going & how. Oh .. among many painful feelings this was one .. that you must be displeased with me!—and then I had no courage to write, & preferred to wait & see you face to face in Rome & show you my heart at the same time. Was it not pricked, do you imagine, when Mrs Young found me out at Pisa & told me that you had bade a friend of yours enquire about me? Yes, indeed. Still I did not write .. I would wait, I thought– And I waited till on the only evening I have spent in society since my marriage (& for how many years before?) I met your friend Mrs Collyer & heard of your being at the Baths of Lucca, & was promised your address which she sent to me a few half hours before we proceeded to scale the heights of Vallombrosa & persuade the monks to take us in for two months– Obdurate monks, who would’nt hear of it, and sent us back, rolling at the heels of the white oxen, at the end of five days,—because they have a new abbot who being a holy man puts away from before his face as fast as possible, all manner of unclean beasts, .. & women of course. It is a malign satisfaction to me that I put my foot over their threshold & stamped thrice on the ground, profaning it for ever—the only vengeance left to me!—— So I was to write to you, I thought, (for having your address I was resolved to write to you) from Florence instead of Vallombrosa—and since settling ourselves in the coolest apartment procurable, every morning I have said to myself “Shall I write, now, today”–? And in the midst comes your dear kindest letter, to take away all disquietudes & show me your faithful affection as if it showed me your face. Dearest friend, how I thank you for the good you have done me! I thank you warmly & gratefully—and so does my husband, he bids me say, both for himself & for me. We cannot go to you dear, dear friend, though it is a great temptation. We are bound here for the present:—which would be harder than it is, if I did not look forward to Rome & to seeing you in the winter certainly. You go back to Rome in the winter, .. do you not? Do let me hear from you & tell me of your plan in this respect, & of your health more particularly. Mrs Collyer delighted me by saying that you were able to take daily exercise—— Is it true? So good of you it is to wish to have us .. one of us a stranger too!—to be received in faith .. and “who might be” as my husband says naïvely; “so very disagreeable”.! One day I shall be happy & proud to make him known to you indeed, .. and in the meanwhile, do believe of us both, that we are affectionately grateful to you .. that is .. gladly grateful, glad to be grateful to you. We have heard much of the beauty of the Baths of Lucca & were as near as possible to going there for the summer—only the traditions of the place frightened us, as to “promenades” and “soirées” & various horrible rumours of the same class. With you, I should not be afraid of such things—but now we are bound here—perhaps in two months or less, to pass on through Perugia, Rome-wards. Our chief cause for hesitation about Rome is the prices, some of these Florentines assuring us that they quadruple the prices here, and as we are not rich it is a thing to consider of course. We have been paying nineteen scudi a month for an apartment including plate & linen– Will you tell me (see how I make an unscrupulous use of you, dearest friend) whether any cheapness of the sort is attainable at Rome? We require some four or five rooms– I have my English maid with me & no other servant. For situations, we are not particular, except on the point of healthfulness, and rather eschew than seek after “English quarters” & fashionable neighbourhoods. We have thought of the Via Gregoriana [2] —. Once you said something to me of an apartment in Rome, .. but my head was going round so fast at that time that I recollect nothing, & have mislaid your note. To Pisa we shall not return certainly—and Florence is overcold in the winter—as it is overhot now! yet oh, this beautiful Florence, how we have delighted in it these three months past & more! It is scarcely fair perhaps to other countries that I should see Italy when I am happiest, .. it makes it look too beautiful. Also health & strength have come back in a sudden spring– God has been very good to me, & compensated for all the sadness of my past life in an unlooked for way & degree. Thank Him for me, if you love me! My marriage was my only “wilful” act through life, & cost me great pain in the doing .. but not more than it deserved & has justified—though there are still bitternesses behind. Some of my wisest friends have called me “wise” for it .. but I call myself only happy … for really I chose & sought scarcely anything .. the blessing was thrust on me openly. I have married a man, for the rest, who is superior to me in all things, yet not too high for the completest sympathy, and who had loved me faithfully for two years, not only in spite of my adversity in body & spirit, but perhaps because of it—. Otherwise it might have struck you that it was not generous of me to allow one I loved, to bear the risk & danger of my uncertain health .. at best uncertain– But he convinced me that, even if Italy failed & I was thrown back into confirmed illness, he should be happier with me than without me .. even so—. He overcame me in generosity. What was I, to refuse to believe? Then I had the encouragement of medical opinions, justified by this result– My nervous system was shattered for want of air & from past mental suffering—and the lungs were rather delicate than diseased—. Since I reached Italy I have had no inconvenience in the chest, .. and week by week since an accidental illness at Pisa last winter, I have been growing stronger & stronger. We live in great retirement & very happily & cheerfully none the less—with books & the piano, and my dog .. who came with us from England .. and with frequent letters from my dearest sisters who are perfect to me in goodness & tenderness: and I am able to walk out every evening, .. and cant believe in my own identity with what I was three years ago, .. my face against a tombstone, & the ends of life hanging loosely in my hands! Even my spirits, which I thought broken for ever, are putting out green leaves. I ought to thank God indeed—and much the more, that I believe none to have suffered loss through my gain .. it wd have been miserable gain at such a cost. I have displeased some whom it was painful to me to displease .. but have wronged none .. as far as I know & believe .. for I tried to do my best for them before I did it for myself. Nearly a year it is now since my marriage .. a year in September .. and I have known only since then how happy it is possible to be “beneath the sun”, [3] in being regularly petted & spoiled one day more than another .. (never was so tender a Heart as the one I lean on, through God’s gift to me. Now, do write to me, & send me egotism for egotism. The more Is & mes the better—and certainly I have given you an example.) How you are, tell me fully .. & when you return to Rome. And let me be to you as ever, or more than ever, no Mrs Browning (oh no) but
your affectionate & grateful Ba– [4]
Address, on integral page: A Mademoiselle / Mademoiselle Dowglass / Casa Mansi / Alla Villa / Bagni di Lucca.
Publication: Taplin, p. 199 (in part, in facsimile).
Manuscript: Berg Collection.
1. Year provided by postmark.
2. According to Murray’s Handbook for Travellers in Central Italy, (1843), “the Strada Gregoriana and the Via Sistina, at the Trinità de’ Monti, and several streets near the Fontana Trevi, have also good lodging-houses” (p. 249); see letter 2702, note 4.
3. Byron, The Corsair (1814), I, ii, 54.
4. EBB has written the last line on the exterior of the folded sheet that makes up the envelope, just above her seal that reads “Ba,” for added emphasis.
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