4011. EBB to Julia Martin
As published in The Brownings’ Correspondence, 24, 86–88.
Florence.
July 1. [1857] [1]
Thank you, thank you from my heart, my dearest friend, this poor heart which has been so torn & mangled, for your dear tender sympathy whether expressed in silence or in words– Of the past I cannot speak. You understand, yes, you understand. And when I say that you understand (& feel that you do) it is an expression of belief in the largeness of your power of understanding, seeing that few can understand, .. few can. There has been great bitterness .. great bitterness .. which is natural,—& some recoil against myself .. more perhaps than is quite rational– Now I am much better, calm & not despondingly calm, (as off & on I have been), .. able to read & talk & keep from vexing my poor husband who has been a good deal tried in all these things. Through these three months you & what you told me touched me with a thought of comfort .. came the nearest to me of all. May God bless you & return it to you a hundredfold, [2] dear, dear friend!
I believe hope had died in me long ago, of reconciliation in this world. Strange, that what I called ‘unkindness’ for so many years, in departing should have left to me such a sudden desolation! And yet, it is not strange perhaps–
No– I cannot write any more. You will understand.
I am anxious about Henrietta, & shall be till some arrangement, talked of, shall be finally made in her behalf. [3] George told me not to speak of it—but, upon Storm’s arrival, something of course will be done for her & Alfred. [4] To tell you the truth I was vexed a little by Arabel’s resolution to live in London by herself for the sake of the Refuge & the chapel—but dont repeat that I was, for I let it be seen through the crevice of one letter & reproached myself too much for it afterwards. It is very hard to let people be happy their own way—must be very hard, since I, who have so continually preached this theory, failed for a moment in the practice, & made Arabel “cry” by what I said, she told me. I could have beat myself for it really. I had had the notion that she had been leading a gloomy sort of life, & I wanted to change it for her .. fancying that her health & spirits & whole nature would profit by something more sunny & less sectarian—but no, it would not do—& I was thrown back for consolation on the thought that after all she had been living, through these last years, in the way most congenial to her actual tastes. And now I am satisfied she should do as she likes .. I wish softly to myself, that it were more what I [5] like .. & more favorable to health & good spirits—but as she likes it, I must be content. She has taken a very pretty house in the Harrow Road, opposite the canal, which makes me anxious rather .. as the water about London is altogether questionable in sanitory [sic] points of view: and it has been some amusement to her to furnish it & plan about it. She does talk of spending part of next winter at Florence—but that seems to me so perfectly a promise thrown out to propitiate me rather than a desire of her own, that I sha’nt press it or count upon it much: in fact, when she made it, she did not know how deeply the expence of taking & furnishing a London house was likely to involve her. We shall be in Paris next summer– This year we remain quietly where we are. Presently we may creep to the seaside or into the mountains to avoid the great heats, but no farther. My temptation is to lie on the sofa & never stir nor speak—only I dont give up, be certain– I drive out for two or three hours on most days—& I hear Peni’s lessons, & am good & obedient. If I could get into hard regular work of some kind, it would be excellent for me I know—but the “flesh is weak.” [6] Oh no– To have gone to England this summer would have helped nobody, & would have been very overcoming to me. I was not fit for it indeed, & Robert was averse on his own account.
Storm is not likely to be in England till the fourth. I wish they could have agreed to live together without affecting their individual liberty– I should have liked it—& I know it was the wish– That wish was at the bottom of many peculiar acts– But they seem disinclined—& there is no reason why they should not live their own lives as they prefer. I shall be surprised however if Storm is not disappointed at not being able to make an English home with any of them.
You see I write to you quite openly– I show you some of the thoughts which have been rising & falling in me, knowing the friend you are. Hold them fast for me—dont vex anybody with them.
May God bless you both, dearest friends. My little Penini is bright & well. I have begun to teach him German. I do hope you wont fatigue yourselves too much at Colwall– Enjoy the summer & the roses .. & be well, be well. We shall meet next year. Mrs Jameson <is in Flore>nce [7] just now <…> pleasure to me– <…> you– Hume the medium <…> under the protection of the Emperor <…> sister, whom the Empress has placed at <…> you wonderful things, but I wait to have them authenticated.
Once more, goodbye–
Your ever affectionate & grateful
Ba–
This is the first letter I have written to anyone out of my own family– [8] I hate writing, and cant help being stupid.
Robert’s love as ever–
Address: Angleterre viâ France. / Mrs Martin / Colwall / Malvern / Worcestershire.
Publication: LEBB, II, 264–266 (in part).
Manuscript: Wellesley College.
1. Year provided by postmark.
2. Cf. Matthew 19:29 and Mark 10:30.
3. In February 1858 Charles John would give Henrietta £5,000 out of his share of the family inheritance, which included the Jamaican estates.
5. Underscored twice.
6. Cf. Matthew 26:41.
7. The text continues on the flap of the envelope, a part of which is missing.
8. EBB had written letters to Isa Blagden and the Rev. Robert Maxwell Hanna (see letters 3998 and 4000), but they were mere notes.
___________________
