419. EBB to Ann Lowry Boyd
As published in The Brownings’ Correspondence, 2, 308–309.
Hope End
Tuesday. [?24 May 1831] [1]
The rain today, my dear Mrs Boyd, must bear the blame of my not appearing at Malvern,—and my intention yesterday of appearing there today, must bear the blame of my not sending the letter which was actually written & directed to you.
What can Annie mean in her note to Arabel on Sunday,—and what could she mean by saying what you report of her conversation with you on Friday? What have I done or said, or not done or said, that my affection for her should be considered “lost in what I feel for Eliza Cliffe”? Can she mention any coolness of manner or unaffectionate expression which fell from me when she was here? If she can,—entreat her to do so,—that I may explain what can require only explaining. But I know she cannot—she will not try to do it—it is impossible!– Was it not necessary for me to sit near Eliza when she was painting, & when so few days might remain on which she wd be able to do so? [2] Am I no longer to call her “an affectionate girl,” because Annie has interlined those words? Am I to be ungrateful & insensible to all the attention & kindness & sympathy she has offered me, when I most wanted all? I am not speaking or thinking or feeling about her words!——
With regard to myself, I solemnly assure you that, as far as my memory can be trusted, this is the first time I have ever been charged, directly or indirectly, with variableness of feeling. Among those who have known me best & longest, the tenacity & obstinacy of my feelings, have often been observed; and if the observation were not a true one, I should be happier now. With regard to you, where or when have I ever charged you directly or indirectly, with discovering a want of feeling towards me or any of us? I have no kind of recollection of having ever done it. If I had, I should feel, at this moment, very sorry; but, as it is,—I feel simply that you are mistaken about it. Assure yourself, that I never thought of even implying such a charge.
Pray say no more about Hastings or Brighton. I do not like to hear it,—& besides it is unnecessary. You say quite truly that nothing can be more uncertain than our going to the latter place. If, as you once suggested, we were to be taken to Jamaica, I should care less about that, than I should have done a fortnight ago.
I assure you, I am well aware that you feel for me & all of us, compassionately & kindly; and I gratefully thank you for the very kind expressions contained in your last note. Give my best love to dear Annie, in spite of her injustice—and believe me yourself, my dear Mrs Boyd,
Ever affectionately yours
E B Barrett.
Publication: EBB-HSB, pp. 166–167.
Manuscript: Wellesley College.
1. EBB’s comments regarding the continuing coolness between her and Annie Boyd (see letter 416) suggest that this letter falls in the same period.
2. The time EBB was spending with Eliza Cliffe was not because of a sudden increase in intimacy (“She is not, & never cd. be my friend,” Diary, p. 149), as Annie Boyd seemed to think, but because Eliza was painting EBB’s portrait (reproduced facing p. 318).
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