4791. EBB to Arabella Moulton-Barrett
As published in The Brownings’ Correspondence, 28, 241–243.
[Rome]
[5 December 1860] [1]
Arabel my dearest—how good & perfect you have been to all—to me, to write to me– You have borne much, but you have the fruit now in feeling that what the loving could do for the beloved in this world you have done—while it is not so, you know, with me– I was not there– I did not help in anything.
Tell me one thing! was it cancer [2] ——? did she think it would end so from the beginning? did nobody give much hope?
She is gone from us– Yet not far perhaps– No not far–
I am very unworthy– You know I was always– I believe in the spiritual, but the mortal takes hold of me & strangles me– Robert says I am put to shame sometimes by the Theodore Parker people who believe in the voice of God within them only, & not in our Lord Christ’s, and yet manage to keep up in face of great disasters.
Pray for me my own beloved Arabel– Oh—I am quite well, dearest,—dont think of that——
Tell me of the children–
Perhaps it is that she is taken to minister to them better from within than even she could from without– They say so sometimes– But oh Arabel, our [3] beloved. How is it that we who believe in the spiritual seem to grow all mortal at the presence of death among us– We cry out directly for the natural– Eye yearns for eye, touch for touch–
Tell me of yourself my own– We must be strong—you are, I know, because you will not dishonor your Lord– If you love me my beloved let me hear from you that you are well–
I must write soon to poor Surtees– My George has been very good– I will write to him– I will write to you directly again—I cant read it over–
Perhaps I always loved you, too much, my Arabel– I think that—you know in what way– But indeed I did & do love that Angel taken from out of us– You know that too– And God does– And she–
Robert has been perfectly tender to me– Without him I think I could not have borne it—for the suspense has been a long anguish– oh, so long– I never never can forget his goodness to me.
No—we must not wish her back, if she suffered so, precious beloved– By this time she is so safe & well & free,—she sees it all so clear—& us too perhaps.
I had very little hope I think after George’s dreadful letters—yet one never looks certainty in the face till God holds us & says Look– Not that sort of certainty–
My darling, I will write to you again very soon indeed. I implore you to take care of yourself—and be cheerful, you who have known Christ. Does Mr Stratten come to you? Have you been to him?– Take care of yourself—it is your duty to rest, remember. If I could envy you whom I love so, anything Arabel, it is your bitter melancholy life of the last five months. What a thing to look back on? You helped what a human being could– You were there—you saw the last– There is a deep pure benediction over you & in you——& you have it as a joy for ever–
What is to be done with the children– Tell me of yourself– I have you in my sight always—and in my prayers– Which is better you will say.
Love your poor
grateful loving Ba.
I fancy that George is with you– My dearest George. God bless you, George, for all–
Publication: EBB-AB, II, 502–503.
Manuscript: Gordon E. Moulton-Barrett.
1. This letter accompanied letter 4790.
2. See letter 4702, note 2. In letter 4799 RB confirms that “the disease was really cancer.”
3. Underscored three times.
___________________
