824. EBB to George Goodin Moulton-Barrett

As published in The Brownings’ Correspondence, 5, 67–70.

[Torquay]

[Postmark: 24 June 1841]

My ever dearest Georgie,

Not to be over maniacal I propose myself to you as a person ready to believe for the best, that all anxieties & tribulations in relation to the journeying subject will end in a bonâ fide removal & not merely in one bona spe. [1] You will admit however that apart from your interpretation, Joc’s recall wore a strange aspect. You will admit, that without any “maniacal” tendency, it was enough, when taken in conjunction with the delays & the discussions & the contradictions & the universal tendency towards treating me as a baby, .. to excite the most unexcitable!– Forgive me (then) this mania!——

Dr Scully himself has been vibrating in a manner provoking to me. I dare say you put down as sure that all his sayings in relation to “the beginning of the argument,” such as, “she is quite right”, “it is very natural”, “it is very reasonable”, “it is very possible,” were misrepresented or at least warmly coloured by me. Nothing of the kind!– It was all clear approbation at first!– But when he saw that I was actually in earnest, he fell straightway into a tremblement– Then came, a list of the risks & the dangers & of all the things which would could or might peradventure befall me. He sate by this bedside & tried hard to frighten me—not as to the time, mind, my dear George, but as to the movement essentially. He sate at this bedside, & endeavoured to persuade me to go into another house & to another part of Torquay!! You may suppose how I answered—admitting that he had done right in telling me all, but resolute as to the act. Indeed he cd not deny, when I put the question to him, that if he were I, he wd go.

Well—we must allow for the unpleasant feeling of responsibility. I do not blame him—although all this prudent counsel, not being confined to my ear as I begged it might be, makes everybody cry out in different voices & keys, so as to consummate the discord of indecision. Now I [2] am going—that is settled. And I leave it (no! I dont leave it) I put it to the wisest amongst you, whether, granting there is a risk, it be not increased by delaying & discussing one week after another.

Dr Scully calls me “excited”. Now the two last conversations on the subject, began with himself—& all the impatience about getting me away, was expressed by himself. Two days ago, he came with earnest anxious looks!—“Had I heard?” “Was the house taken?” “What! not yet?” “Oh! it wd be far far better for you to go at once. You are excited, naturally, & must remain so until the journey is over—and there is no use in doctoring the body while the mind is restless. In your case, this is eminently true. It is the least of two evils that you go at once”.

Then he went on to tell me how he got up at four in the morning to make notes about me, & to examine a map of London & the situation of Wimpole Street. He approved of the latter, and after enquiring about the aspect of my bedroom, expressed his opinion for the twentieth time that I shd be as well there as here in the winter. The thing necessary for me, he said, was an airy room which cd be warmed,—with a south or western aspect,—and the neighbourhood of good advice. His own leaning evidently is to send me direct to London. He thinks it wd be better for me, and that the journey being begun had better be ended at once. That was his opinion as he rendered it to me, two days ago—Crow being witness– But of course I explained to him that Papa’s plans for my brothers, did not allow of this direct passage to Wimpole Street. Oh no!– I wd not break upon them. At the same time it does appear to me hard, rather hard, that the Clifton question shd be carried against me, when I am the only person affected either for good or evil by that particular locality, & when the evil threatened to me by it, is all unmingled evil. Dearest George, do say a word, when the opportunity occurs. You must see how it is, as plainly as I do. I shall have no rest of spirit at Clifton– I shall have encountered this “risk” which is talked of, without an equivalent object. Certainly I shall have left Torquay—but a removal to the first stage from Torquay to Chudleigh [3] wd accomplish that, without a step beyond. All the effort, all the expense, will be made & paid for next to in vain. It will be a sovereign in change for sixpence. Not that I forget the blessing of being free from this place—but all besides,—and I have lived upon the blessed hope of being settled at home with you all—will be lost!– Do you not see?– Do you not feel how it is?– Dr Scully himself says “I understand. You object reasonably.” As to Reading, I do not say Reading more than Twickenham or any other place of the vicinity. I dont want to have my own way about it—indeed I have no “own way” to carry– I want you all to choose– I want Papa to choose. Only, if he persists in this Clifton plan, I shall scarcely, I feel, have spirits to travel away from all my hopes, to another place of exile & scene of separation!—yes, & of more than separation, George, of isolation .. such as Clifton should be to me if I went to it– Why I might quite as well remain at Chudleigh—quite as well. There wd be an escape from the pressure of actual associations [4] ——and nothing more. But nothing more can be said of Clifton.

I leave these things with your ‘professional’ judgment to turn over & discern. Remember!—I am forbidden, in any case, to attempt the rail road. That is that. And I ask you to task your fancy, as happily you cannot your experience, & try to image what peace & rest & safety of heart there wd be for me in the feeling of being at home or close to home, after this present sense of banishment & seperation.

Ah dearest dearest George! It is all very selfish!– How selfishly I have written!– Only indeed I wd not that one of you shd sacrifice a good or a pleasure for me!– I have no good or pleasure but your’s—except you!– It is the living apart from any of you which drives me to say so much,—or to say anything—& I cant bring myself to think that living apart from you can be the cause to you of good or pleasure. Hemel Hampstead [sic], or Twickenham, or Reading, or Tunbridge or Walthamstow .. all places where we can be together & whence we can remove together, are equal to me. Would it not be hard—no!—not hard perhaps,—but unhappy, if the only place where I cannot rest, shd be fixed upon for me to travel to.

My mind turns round & round in wondering about Papa’s fancy for Clifton—that hot, white, dusty, vapory place, & scarcely an inland place too!– And then sometimes I grow dizzy & fearful that he looks to Michael Church!– Oh but I wont [5] fear it. I wont fear anything. I will hope a little, while there is room. So you are going next week my dear dear George. [6] I will write to you on your way. I will be the “kind heart,” [7] George, & write—that is, if they dont wear me out with these “rubs” backwards & forwards. The “conspiracy” is discredited upon your assurance. One word more. Dr Scully did not like the idea of a carriage from Bristol, & seemed to think too much depended upon the best, not to have it from Harman himself, or Willoughby, [8] without considering the expe<nse &> the safe<ty &> besides that twenty guineas is no extortion—that on the contrary a patient of his who removed from hence to Brighton in a conveyance of the kind, paid more. But I think I shall say this to Papa, or have it said. God bless you. When I reach you, I will not talk so of myself. I shall subside in contrast.

Your ever attached

I dont want Papa to come! Is there any use? He will be over anxious & nervous, & uncomfortable. Tell him not to come[.] Do you know Dr Scully wants you? [9] He distrusts dear Storm’s firmness, it appears—but say nothing– Oh of course you would not! Storm wd do everything very well—& I am fearless.

Address: George Goodin Barrett Esqr / 3. Paper Buildings / Temple / London.

Publication: B-GB, pp. 67–71 (as [24 July 1841]).

Manuscript: Pierpont Morgan Library.

1. i.e., an actual removal rather than an anticipated one.

2. Underscored twice.

3. Chudleigh, on the Exeter road, was some 13 miles north of Torquay.

4. i.e., continual reminders of Bro.

5. Underscored four times.

6. George was going on circuit again; EBB’s next letter to him (no. 830) was addressed to Stafford.

7. Parœmiologia Anglo-Latina (1639), p. 45, by John Clarke.

8. Solomon Willoughby was a coach builder with premises at 1 John Street. Harman may have been James C. Harman or Samuel (see letter 821, note 1).

9. Underscored three times.

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