Saturday. Decr. 31st.
I have been to R C. The fog made Bummy protest at first against my going; & then the rain made me resign myself to its effects. But the rain cleared away,—& the clearing away of the fog seemed to be the future in rus: so Arabel & I set off to the Wyche. She drove of course,—& we left the carriage, & the poney rugged close to the turnpike. I nervous & fidgetty about R C. Down the rocky path—Arabel’s short way—not mine!! Went into the house! Nobody in the dining room, or drawing room! Into Mr. Boyd’s room! A made me go! Mr. B & Miss M reading together. She is five feet ten & plain; with an agreable voice,—but rather an independance & unshrinkingness of manners. Very unaffected tho’, & sensible. She did not seem to think of leaving the room. Mr. B said that he was sorry to hear of my having been unwell—& that he had not expected me today on account of the rain!— Mrs. Boyd came in,—& A & I went out with her. Had luncheon & talked as lingeringly as I cd. I did not like the idea of going back to Miss M. Presently she came down, & then I went up. Mrs. Boyd had proposed my going up, before.
He began to talk to me about my letter. There were two things in it. About the prologue: it cd. not require his revision,—but reading it, wd. not have been troublesome to him. And then, about my going to see him. [“]There was plenty of time for him to read with Miss Mushet— Did I forget that she was staying in the house &c?” I answered, I recollected when I was staying there that he did not like Miss Cliffe or anybody to interrupt him. “Did I really conceive the cases to be parallel? Miss Cliffe & I! If I thought that he cd. compare me with any other person, he cd. only say that he was sorry for it.” And yet his manner was not the manner I liked. And when he asked me to go soon & early as usual—to go next week—or if I cd. not do that, early in the following week, his manner was not the manner I liked.
Does he not evidently wish me to go then, for my sake,—not his? My spirits were gone!— A & I were at home at 20 minutes to five. Miss M walked with us to the Wyche, much to my annoyance.
The last day of the old year!— What will next year see? A great deal of sorrow perhaps,—& perhaps my grave.— Oh Thou in whose hands are the forces of life & death,—& whose will is wisdom & love—Thy will be done.
[This entry concludes the first portion of the Diary.]
