Wednesday. June 29.
Distracted (in both senses of the word) by looking for stray books, & packing up a full box of inutilities, to be sent pr. coach to Mr. Eaton. When the letter-time came—no letters came!— Yes! one from Mrs. Boyd, containing a MESSAGE!!! from Mr. Boyd, who likes the talent, & nothing else, of my “Thoughts,” & wishes me to write something cutting biting shining on the anti-reformers for the Times newspaper. I have tossed her letter into my drawer—prestissimo—agitato!! I suppose he means to neglect me altogether, never to write to me again!—& expects that I should show my gratitude! by continuing to write as I have written, & feel as I have felt!-- Well!—I feel bitterly — — as I have felt—for some time at least. He has not written to me once since the 16th of May; and this is the 29th of June. I may be exacting & irritable & inconsiderate & passionate—but I cannot feel satisfied or feel that I ought to feel satisfied. I wish I had half the regard which I retain for him, impressed on this paper, that I might erase it thus [here E.B.B. drew a blot]. Mrs. Boyd may throw difficulties in the way of his writing. She may be busy & be out of the way, & he out of the humour for it— But if he wished it—oh it he really & indeed wished it, there could be no lasting obstacle—none!! How was it during the first year & a half of our intercourse? Did he ever even delay writing, then?
Well! It is better far better that I should go away; better in everyway, & perhaps for everybody. Better for me, I dare say. I am not of a cold nature, & cannot bear to be treated coldly. When cold water is thrown upon a hot iron, the iron hisses. I wish that water wd. make my iron as cold as itself. Perhaps it may—in time.
Mrs. B thinks that because I did not notice her proposal about coming here, I did not wish her to come. Judging of me by herself!!— I will to-morrow write down my meaning in a manner which anybody may be <able to read>[1]—& direct it to Mrs. B. R[uby] C[ottage]. M[alvern] W[ells]!
I have sent to Mrs. Trant’s for Eaton’s Catalogue— Selecting the books will amuse me, & make me forget some of my thoughts. They are, I fear, sour as well as bitter.
B H A & I walked out on the hill opposite the drawing room windows. Ken[d]rick’s people are all working in front of the house. I shall soon wish that I was away—away. Read Pindar’s 3d. Olympic.
The catalogue arrived in the evening. It did amuse me, looking over it, & marking the eligible books.
1. The text in angle brackets is written in large school-book text.
