Saturday. June 4th. 1831. Hope End.
I wonder if I shall burn this sheet of paper like most others I have begun in the same way. To write a diary, I have thought of very often at far & near distances of time: but how could I write a diary without throwing upon paper my thoughts, all my thoughts—the thoughts of my heart as well as of my head?—& then how could I bear to look on them after they were written? Adam made fig leaves necessary for the mind, as well as for the body. And such a mind as I have!— So very exacting & exclusive & eager & head long—& strong—& so very very often wrong! Well! but I will write: I must write—& the oftener wrong I know myself to be, the less wrong I shall be in one thing—the less vain I shall be!—
Eliza Cliffe rode here today with the Miss Cranes[1]—singing cranes! they sang like nightingales. We had luncheon with them; & after they went, we had a thunderstorm to ourselves. Such a thunderstorm! I lay down on Minny’s bed, & grew hot & cold for myself & everybody near me, & many bodies not near me; viz for Papa & Bro who were out,—& for Mr. Boyd who is at Malvern where the storm was travelling.[2] Arabel dreamt last night that he was dead, & that I was laughing! Foolish dream!—& more foolish I who could think of it in the storm!— After the storm had gone off, the post came in. A letter expected from Mr. Boyd! A letter received from Mrs. Boyd![3] “Mr. Boyd says that I was a true prophetess about the verses, but that he would rather talk to me on that subject.” Something of the kind. The verses are mine entitled “Kings,” & my prophecy was that he would not like them.[4] “He wd. rather talk to me on that subject.” That means, he would rather not write to me on that subject—or perhaps on any other. I am beginning to be wrong already—perhaps! He has often spoken to me of his difficulties in getting some one to write for him—and yet “he would rather not!!” Why should those words stick in my throat like Amen in Macbeth’s?[5] There was a note too for Arabel from Annie.[6] She has never answered my note—a note as affectionate as I could make it. No! not quite as affectionate; but very affectionate. “Dearest Annie;” I said, “may we not be as we have been”? No! we cannot. She has not written to say “Yes—we can”. If she were not Mr. Boyd’s daughter, should I love her as I do still? In that case, my answer to that question wd. be again “No! I cannot.” How very very very unkindly she has behaved to me! I cannot bear to think of it: I wish she were not Mr. Boyd’s daughter; for then some of my feelings would not clash in the painful way they do now. Not that I wish to be at ease to dislike her. Oh no! I wd. not do that! But it is painful to be longing to love a person who will not be loved, or to love a person who repays your love with such coldness—such unkindness!— And then Mr. Boyd likes me to invite her here. How can I like it, except for his sake, when she acts towards me as she does? I hope she may go to Sir John Gibbons’s;[7] for then I shall be in no difficulty about inviting her here. I would invite her willingly, & have her here as long as she could be happy here, even if this unkindness of hers were to be dashed,—cold as it is, against the warmest pulses of my heart every hour—but Henrietta does not like her being here; & Bummy will not like it; & I shall have a thousand difficulties as usual to contend with. Now I must go to dress for dinner.
Annie sends her love to me in her note to Arabel, but says afterwards that she wonders how I could publish such horrible verses, & that some of those on Warren’s Blacking are as good.[8] I am not angry at her saying so. But considering these word of hers, together with other words of hers,—Oh I feel how it is!— What is my sin? The having been anxious, & appeared anxious for Mr. Boyd to remain near me. Could I help appearing so when I was so? Could I help being so? Had I felt a less strong regard for him, I should neither have been nor appeared: and now I should be bitterly regretting that they stayed longer in this neighbourhood. But I cannot regret it, as it is!— I do regret having printed those verses. Mr. Boyd does not like them: & I suspect that his regard for me is dependant on his literary estimation of me, & not great enough, for me to afford the loss of any part of it. We shall see!—& perhaps we shall feel!—
Taylor[9] told Papa today that Bro was the best speaker at the Reform dinner last Tuesday,[10] & that considering the youth of the speaker, he could not have expected so much from him. Papa seemed pleased as he repeated it to us. Dear Papa! dear Bro!—
1. Eliza Wilhelmina Cliffe (afterwards Giles, 1810–48) figures largely in the Diary. She was the friend closest in age to E.B.B., but it will be seen from the entry of 4 October that, by E.B.B.’s own definition, Eliza was regarded as an acquaintance rather than a friend. The Miss Cranes were Catherine (1806–74) and Brilliana (1808–1901), the daughters of Samuel Crane (1771–1843), of Worcester, and his wife, Catherine (née Wall, b. 1775). In 1837, Brilliana married Eliza’s brother, the Rev. Allen Robert Cliffe (1807–97).
2. In a letter to Arabella, dated 15–17 April [1848], E.B.B. wrote: “I am afraid of only a few things in the world .. for instance, of thunder & lightning, ghosts, musquitoes.” See BC, 15, 52–61.
3. Ann Boyd (d. 1834, aged 47), the daughter of Wilson Lowry the celebrated engraver, had married H.S.B. in September 1805.
4. Printed in The Times, 31 May 1831. E.B.B.’s “prophecy” was contained in a letter to H.S.B. (Monday [30 May 1831], BC, 2, 310–311).
5. Macbeth II.ii.31–33:
But wherefore could I not pronounce ‘Amen’?
I had most need of blessing, and ‘Amen’
Stuck in my throat.
6. Ann Henrietta Boyd (afterwards Hayes, 1811–1901), H.S.B.’s daughter. At this time, there was a certain coolness between her and E.B.B., due to the latter’s “vexatious interference” in persuading H.S.B. to remain in Malvern after his lease of Woodland Lodge expired in May 1831. Annie, with her mother’s support, had advocated moving to Bath or Cheltenham (see BC, 2, 299–301).
7. Sir John Gibbons (1774–1844), 4th Baronet, of Stanwell Place, near Staines, Middlesex.
8. The firm of Robert Warren advertised its shoe-blacking widely by means of puerile verses, e.g., the following, from the Worcester Herald, 26 June 1830:
a new light.
To highly polish Boots and Shoes,
Warren’s brilliant Blacking use,
From well-known Mart, at 30, strand,
The most renown’d in ev’ry land.
Fam’d robert warren always adds a grace
To understandings of the human race.
Charles Dickens’s first employment was with this firm.
9. Luke Taylor, keeper of the Feathers Hotel in Ledbury.
10. Hereford Journal, 8 June 1831: “On Tuesday the 31st ult. Mr. Hoskins … attended a Public Dinner … to celebrate his triumphant return to Parliament. Mr. Hoskins experienced a most flattering reception on his entrance into Ledbury, and a most numerous and respectable company, comprising upwards of 95 gentlemen, sat down to a spendid dinner. … The healths of the Chairman, Colonel Money, Captain Johnstone, Captain Adams, … E. Barrett, jun. Esq., … called forth able and eloquent addresses from those gentlemen, which were received with manifestations of approbation and pleasure from all present.” Mr. Hoskins was a supporter of the Reform Bill.
