Wednesday. August 10

Went to Malvern, tho’ Bummy, when I proposed it last night, opposed it. In consequence of the opposition I withdrew my motion; after which, she herself brought it on again; & I went. But after breakfast, & the lateness out-of-humoured me.

I forgot to say that Dominick arrived yesterday, with a shirt or two—to pay what we imagined wd. be a morning visit; but which turns out to be several morning & eveng visits joined together. He asked me to bring back his newspaper & letters from Malvern. Accordingly I called on Mrs. Trant—did not stay long. Got to Mr. Boyd’s about 12, & was received by Mrs. B who took me into the breakfast room to consult over the Biscoe versus Boyd case. Poor Mr. Biscoe. From my heart & heart’s heart I pity him. He devotedly loves one who does not, & never will, love him. Well!—these things are to be borne. If they are not, they will destroy: & then they need not be borne. Wisely said, Marcus Antoninus![1] Annie observes in her letter to Mrs. Boyd, that there are many people whom she cd. like as well as Mr. Biscoe, & some whom she cd. like better!!!!!!--

Mrs. Boyd soon took me into Mr. Boyd’s room, where Miss Boyd was sitting. He said “I had just been thinking of you”. Miss Boyd & I were turned out, & then I was re-admitted, & sate with him until dinner-time. I read some of the seven chiefs—the description of Amphiarus, which is very fine:[2] & we talked. He sighed when I was speaking of Hope End: but people will sigh sometimes without sorrow. I may be wrong. If I am, I wish I knew it. Went down to dinner, which was considered “very long” in coming. At dinner something was said of --. I am ashamed of writing down my own feelings & the causes of them.

After dinner, Mr. Boyd was discovered walking in front of the house; & Mrs. Boyd asked me if I had ever done so with him. No!— Will you go & do so now? “No. I think Mr. Boyd does not like it.” “I will go & try?” observed Mrs. Boyd. “Shall I do so?” asked Miss Gibbons who never stirred. But Mrs. Boyd stirred. She went out—& walked backwards & forwards with Mr. Boyd for half and hour, before the windows. I fancied at first, that she might mean to ask him whether of not I shd. walk with him? If she did, his answer was like mine—“No”.

Could I help saying, no? Has he not proved to me that he disliked my walking with him? If I had gone out, either he might have been forced to do what he disliked; or I should have been sent back to the drawing room to explain what I did not understand myself about this distaste which seems exclusively to regard me. Painful it was to me to say “I think Mr. Boyd does not like it.” But what cd. I do!? The tears are in my eyes as I am writing. Oh that people shd. be so kind—& so unkind!— He came in, & called at the door for Miss Boyd, who went up stairs & stayed there about a quarter of an hour. When she returned, Mrs. B asked if she had brought a message for me, respecting my going up stairs, “On the contrary, my brother sent me down that I might have the pleasure of Miss Barrett’s company”. So there I sate for half an hour; for more than an hour; until Mrs. Boyd suggested that if I did not go to see Mr. Boyd now, I wd. not do so at all, as it was seven! Miss Steers was there, & we had been talking of Keats & Shelley, & Colleridge’s Ancient Mariner[3]— & Mrs. Boyd had been confessing that she had lost all her taste for poetry. Lost! Did she ever possess it? Can any one lose his taste for poetry? Can any one lose his life, & yet live?—

When I went into Mr. Boyd’s room, I cd. not help being grave & silent. Before we had begun to talk, Miss Boyd came in & offered to remain in the room “if you are not going to study.” Mr. Boyd was silent, & did not seem to like it. “If you object, to my staying, brother, why dont you say so?” “You must ask Miss Barrett’s permission” said Mr. Boyd. I stammered out something inaudible—Mr. Boyd was silent—, & after an awkward pause of five minutes, she retreated. Silent still!— At last I said—I could not help it—“I am sorry that you wd. not let me come up stairs before”— And then came the assurance that he had never intended me to stay away; & an observation coldly enough made, that I was “fanciful”. Tears again. They would come.

We talked, & talked chearfully,—but I went away sadly. My spirits are broken, by strokes of pain from every side; & I am become morbidly & foolishly sensitive. The ancient Athenians delighted in the τι καινον.[4] If some modern ones, do the same, should I wonder?

Well! we shall go away soon; & in the meantime I will not go as frequently as I have done, to Malvern. I am not the τι καινον. I am not the favorite at this present time. And yet whose regard has been professed & proved as mine? There is no use in all this.

On my return, I found a parcel from Mrs. Martin containing Moore’s Life of Byron, handsomely bound.[5] A kind & valuable present. Oh I wish, I do wish that I had not left home this morning!--

1. Bk. VII, 33.

2. Beginning: “Sixth I will name a warrior passing wise, a seer most valiant in combat, even mighty Amphiaraüs” (LCL-A, I, 368–371, lines 568–596).

3. “The Rime of the Ancyent Marinere, in Seven Parts,” pp. 5–51 of Lyrical Ballads, with a Few Other Poems [by William Wordsworth and Samuel Taylor Coleridge], (Bristol, 1798).

4. “That which is new.”

5. This copy of the Paris, 1830 edition, with an inscription by E.B.B. recording its presentation by Mrs. Martin, formed Lot 536 of Browning Collections.


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