Sunday. Sept. 11th.
A controversy between Bummy & me, on the subject of my going to church. Feeling convinced as I do, that the gospel is not consistently preached there, & that my time can be more usefully & scripturally occupied at home, am I right in going? I think not; but there was so much thunder & lightening about it that I yielded the point. “Very goodnatured & amiable of me,” perhaps Bummy thought; for she kissed me with a smile: “Very weak & wrong of me” I doubted,— for her kiss & smile did not give me as much pleasure as usual.
Met at church, the usual concourse, the Miss Biddulphs & Mr. de Marizet among them. He spoke to me of Lamartine. Mrs. Martin held my hand in her’s in an affectionate manner, which I liked. An affectionate manner certainly does go to my heart which is itself far too affectionate!— Far too affectionate! Oh I feel that whenever I feel pain; & almost ever when I feel pleasure.
Mrs. Cliffe Mrs. Best & Eliza & Eliza’s niece dined with us, & went afterwards to chapel: Eliza drove me down in the wheelbarrow, & gave me in the way, Miss Wall’s last letter to read. There is something in Miss Wall’s impetuosity, which I like, because (what a very bad reason:) it resembles my own: and if she had less coarseness of mind, I could even like her. She is very angry with my expression regarding her own conduct here—“I wd. rather that it were done to me than by me”; & thinks that there was a want of delicacy in my making use of such an expression to her friend. Well! the subject was not introduced by me; & when it was introduced before me, tho’ I said those words, I said no others. My own heart knows that I wd. not stand between friend & friend; or wound the ear of one by the accusation of another, for the gain of a great good—, far less for the gratification of a petty malice. I am sorry that I said even those words; tho’ Eliza had previously spoken with more severity of the person they referred to, than was conveyed by them—I am very sorry!
We met Miss Gibbons at the chapel, & after the service was over, she & I talked together a little. She spoke to me really with kindness. Mr. Boyd on one side, & Bummy on the other, restrained me; or I wd. have asked her to go to the house, Now I almost wish I had done so, in spite of everybody. I hope she did not think me unkind for not doing so: because her manner to me is far from being undeserving of a kind return.
Mr. Curzon’s sermon was shorter than usual. He grew very pale & could scarcely terminate it: but we cd. not persuade him to allow himself to be taken to Ledbury in either our carriage or Miss Gibbons’s, notwithstanding his indisposition.
Read Chrysostom, & extracted from him—for Mr. Boyd! The bible besides, as usual.
No letter today.
