5480. Julia Wedgwood to RB
As published in The Brownings’ Correspondence, 31, 166–167.
draft
[London]
[ca. 11 November 1864] [1]
As to our meeting on Sunday I have been intending to say something to you. You know that all that is exceptional in our intercourse is my doing, not yours, that your part has been merely one of responses & that if there was any indiscretion in taking up a position so liable to misconception, that was wholly on my side.
There are those very near to me who take this view of the matter, & who have put it before me in a way that, whether or not it convinces my judgment, unquestionably affects my will. It is my own work I undo, not yours. You have said you leave the proprieties in my hands. I do not know if they alone would be strong enough with me to deprive me of that which I must give up even if I saw clearly their opposition to our meeting, but they represent the feelings of those I have no right to ignore, whose prejudices even must influence me. I know that every word I am saying is a reflection on myself, it is no reflection on you. You have given me what I wanted, what now I want less. I have never for one moment misunderstood you. I do not now dread with you the numerous misconceptions which would seem inevitable with anybody else. I dread nothing but that you should too much regret my loss in this. To be honest, the paring down of our intercourse to the slender allowance of mere society cannot be to one of your age what it is to one of mine, but I know you will feel just as much regret as I wish & just as little. I have thought of myself, do not you think of me. If I have not your long & absorbing past, I have very much of my own. I could not bear to think that I left in your mind an exaggerated estimate of what I feel in writing this. You came near me in the delirium of sorrow, all things seemed in that atmosphere to excuse the exceptional relation in which I placed you (remember it was I) as it passes away I see that the opinion of the world must not be defied even for what seems so much more precious when it is mere pleasure to oneself. I had that pleasure through the darkest passage of life, nothing like it can ever return, & as the darkness passes, I can do without the light. I know how selfish it all sounds, you gave me leave to be selfish in our intercourse. You need not think of one who can think so much of herself! I have not had to bear one word, one thought against you (with my mother you must have seen how much the contrary was the case) nor need I ever fear that arrow, while I have the shield of this simple explanation.
As to whether I shall be glad to see you
Publication: Sue Brown, “Robert Browning and Julia Wedgwood: The Unpublished Correspondence,” The Journal of Browning Studies, 3 (December 2012), 42–46 (in part).
Source: Author’s draft at Armstrong Browning Library.
1. This is a draft of letter 5563 and seems to have been written earlier than letter 5481.
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