Sunday. June 12th.
Went to church in the wheelbarrow with Henrietta,—Henry driving. Heard singing again!!! & a sermon from Mr. Deane[1] about Sisera’s murder.[2] He wrote about it, Goddess & about it,[3]—until I was about going to sleep. If I had done so, I should have awakened just in time to hear what I went to sleep to avoid. Over & over again the same thing; & no-thing VERY well worth hearing once!— There was however some good in the sermon. Eliza rode home with us, & walked down to the school[4] with Henrietta at half past two; while Bummy Arabel & I were wheeled in the wheelbarrow. Papa walked by our side. He seems in better spirits. a sermon from Mr. Curzon on prayer. Good, very good,—but neither original, nor strikingly put! Mrs. Cliffe & Mrs. Best[5] were at the chapel. Mrs. Best looks better than Mrs. Best ever seemed to me, to look. What a sweet smile & countenance she has! Still water—but the sun shining on it! She thought of coming to see us on Tuesday; but I told her of my engagement at Malvern, & begged her to put off her visit until Wednesday. I must positively go to Mr. Boyd on Tuesday.
Ever since hearing what I heard yesterday, I have been thinking—shall I ask Mr. Boyd if he will endeavour to go where we go, in the case of our going at all? It wd. be a comfort to me to know if he would make the endeavour; & yet after my past “intrusions”, I scarcely like asking. And yet (again) did he not tell me, that if I had left Hope End, he “would have been happier at Cheltenham than at Malvern, for one reason—because at Cheltenham there was nothing to remind him of my going to see him”. Must he not care a good deal for me, to feel that? And in the case of his caring at all for me, must he not wish, for his own sake, to live near me, wherever I am? I shall never get at any certainty, by this interrogative system. Hope says one thing; & Fear, another, in reply!— If we do leave this dear place, what a consolation it wd. be to me, not to leave besides, the dearest & most valued friend I have in the world!!— But God’s will be done in all things. I wish those words were as clearly written in my heart, as on my paper—in spite of my alledged illegibility!-- No letters today—except one from Miss Uniack to Bummy. Charlotte[6] so very weak that she cant walk without support; but well otherwise. Bummy thinks she will never be able to walk again. Henrietta told Eliza that they intended not to go to Miss Steers’s on Tuesday; so .. I shall go by myself to Malvern! After dinner Papa & we all walked hat-less out of the hall-door, & he led us among the shrubs, directing our attention, now to one, now to another. Is this “a good sign”? I dont know. He is not in good spirits; & I am not in great ones. Now I am going down to prayers! bell ringing!— Read nothing but the Bible today.
1. The Rev. Thomas Dean (1795–1870), Curate of St. James’s Church, Colwall, where the Barretts usually worshipped. In addition to his curacy, Mr. Dean ran a boarding school for 16 young gentlemen “who enjoy the advantages of careful Education, united with the domestic comforts and affectionate tenderness of their own home” (Hereford Journal, 5 January 1831).
2. Sisera, general of the Canaanites, whose murder is told in Judges iv.21: “Then Jael Heber’s wife took a nail of the tent, and took an hammer in her hand, and went softly unto him, and smote the nail into his temples, and fastened it into the ground: for he was fast asleep and weary. So he died.”
3. It seems that E.B.B. made some slip here, because her writing is quite clear, although the sense is not.
4. At the Hope End south gate.
5. Elizabeth Cliffe (née Deane, 1780–1850), the widow of the Rev. Allen Cliffe (1776–1809), and her eldest child, Mary Catherine (1802–83), who had married Thomas Best (1795–1848) in 1827.
6. Bummy’s younger sister (1787–1834), wife of Richard Pierce Butler of Cloughgrenan, co. Carlow, Ireland. Miss Uniack is believed to have been her paid companion.
